One month post surgery - what have I discovered?

Grounding takes many forms. It's easy for me to live in la la land. It's easy for me to get caught up in my illusions, dreams and fantasies. I like Hallmark movies - they typically end in a positive, happy, romantic way which leaves me feeling happy and hopeful. But is it real? I honestly don't know.

Since my surgery I've been living in pain that I've never felt before. Mind you, pain is no stranger to me. I have a host of autoimmune conditions and most of them involve some form of pain or discomfort. I've been hospitalized in the past for muscle spasms that included four days in the hospital on near toxic doses of pain meds.

What was interesting, prior to those spasms 20 years ago, was the conversation I had with my husband.  With five kids under the age of 8, I was overwhelmed with motherhood and while sitting on the porch with him, I said "all I want is for someone to bring me food. I'll eat whatever is given to me." As I was laying on the hospital bed two days after that conversation, a tray of food was being placed in front of me, and the words I spoke to my husband came back loud and clear, along with, "you better be careful what you ask for."

My body has always been used as a catalyst for communicating with me. My intent over the last years has been to speak my truth without my body having to take me down. I realize I have not succeeded. I am still not listening to that little voice... my inner self, thus bringing me to my current situation.

 Back in May of this year, the man I had been seeing and I, decided to go our separate ways. Although good friends, we weren't able to meet each others needs or expectations in the 'coupling' category.  I saw it coming for months, but I am alone here and he has been my staple, therefore, I wasn't eager to force it. Situations in April, however, brought everything into the light and in May we agreed to stop seeing each other.

I sat with my feelings for a few days, experiencing a sense of loss, fear of being alone, and then a sense of excitement. Because for the first time, in a very long time, I saw space. I was opened up into expansion and possibilities. It felt amazing and scary at the same time.

I realized there were things that were important to me that I wasn't doing because I was allowing the needs and wants of others to come before me. This is not all bad, however, my main goal here in Florida is to get myself healthy and feed my soul. For me this is done with reflection, meditation, physical activities, wandering, creative activities and writing. Mostly, what I was needing to do was write and create, which I wasn't doing.

The time we spent apart didn't last long. We quickly got back into the similar routine we had before and although I did start writing, it wasn't a priority and, once again, I lost sight of my goals. So here I am, six months later, grounded from a surgery that didn't do what I had hoped it would. As I'm talking to a friend last week, we figured out that what has manifested into all this pain with my hip and leg is stuck energy. I believe it is energy stuck from not expanding and creating.

The pain has once again forced me to sit, eat healthier and make better decisions with what is directly in front of me. I've painted a little and written a lot. I'm trying to release guilt and shame attached to a divorce that broke up a 25 year marriage. I'm trying to forgive my ex-husband for not being able to love me or see me in the way I needed to be loved and seen. I'm trying to forgive and accept myself.

Right now, being grounded, I'm mostly staying in my little home, enjoying the personal space I've created instead of feeling obligated to be elsewhere. I'm forced to ask for help - something I have never been good at. I'm faced with disappointment of not being able to do the physical things I so love to do, such as bike riding, walking and pickleball. I'm missing my favorite downtown art show because I'm not able to walk it. I'm unable to drive far so haven't been able to enjoy time at the ocean.

What I've concluded is that I need to only concentrate on what I can do at this time. Forgive the past, not dwell in disappointments - past or present, accept what is and make the most of it. Honor my time, by setting up boundaries if necessary. Listen to my inner voice and what I know to be true yet be open to the unknown - that void where all possibilities exist. My intent is that in the future I can do this without forcing my body to be the grounding tool.

As I sit back for a moment and look out the patio doors at my small scruffy willow tree, I can see a beautiful monarch butterfly flitting around the branches. The branches sway in the wind and he plays between them. He seems to be enjoying the beauty of that scruffy tree as much as I do. I think it's a good sign.

Set backs

I was excited last month to be having arthroscopic surgery to fix a labral tear in my hip.  Really... I was excited about this.  I live in Florida, the weather is becoming perfect for walking, biking, kayaking & pickle ball. I was looking forward to being done with pain and moving forward in ease.

My pre-surgery consult with the doctor went something like this:  Doc says "Your MRI shows a labral cyst and tear but the MRI wasn't done with contrast so I can't determine exactly what I'll find in there. If I can fix the tear and clean it up, I will. If I find arthritis you might be looking at a hip replacement in the future."  My answer, "I don't think I have arthritis."  I've never been told I did... this labral tear is what made sense to me. The doc responded that he didn't think so either.

Well, it turns out I DO have arthritis in my hip and I'm very close to being bone on bone.  The doctor kept referring to it as bone on bone but there is a thin layer of cartilage in there.  It is now almost a month later. I went to the Physical Therapy sessions as I should, only to learn I'm going backwards not forward. The pain in my leg has steadily gotten worse, not better. I went back to the doctor last week. He said I had to stop PT because it was only irritating the arthritis creating even more pain.

I 'should be' completely without crutches at this point and almost back to normal daily activity, however, I can't walk much at all. Sometimes I even have to use a crutch to walk around my little house. To go anywhere, I need two crutches. The pain in my groin stops me in my track and doubles me over. But the pain isn't limited to the hip or groin. It's found its way down my leg as muscle spasms in the thigh are pulling the knee cap out of place, creating radiating pain around the knee. I also have pain from the shin to the ankle. WHO'S LEG IS THIS? It certainly doesn't feel like mine. It's like my leg was replaced with a tree stump. A big old rotten tree stump.

That's the physical stuff. It's what I really don't want to tell anyone. I don't want to think of myself as disabled or have to ride in one of those battery carts at the grocery store. I'm resisting that as much as I did getting a van when the kids were little. (Edit 1/12/17 - Shows how much I wasn't seeing. The MRI pre surgery definitely showed osteoarthritis. This has been seriously irritated since the surgery resulting in edema in both the hip and bone marrow of the femur.)

Apparently, my next step is a hip replacement but it can't be done for at least 3 months due to insurance restrictions.

So I've been sitting with myself for the past four weeks.  I'm thankful I am at ease with that. I don't mind hanging out with me.  I've been playing in my own way... with cards, paints and paper, writing, catching up on phone conversations and TV shows. But mostly I'm using this time to tap my intuition even more, increasing my awareness of how I receive messages and experience the subtle things.

I've acknowledged and sat in my grouchiness, disappointment, pain and joy... whatever feeling happens to surface at any given time. I'm watching as I react to the news before, during and after the election, noticing where I check out and where I check in. I'm observing my tolerance level or lack of it concerning those who's opinion is different than mine.

I understand the mourning and fear of what so many people are feeling and I'm getting angry at the people who don't understand, who call the protestors whiners, poor losers or spoiled kids. I find it unsettling that they cannot understand or comprehend the magnitude of loss and fear that's been created by Donald Trumps OWN words. It's also upsetting to see videos of people getting attacked because they voted for Trump. What the heck is happening?

So, in a way, the set back of my health coincides with the election. I'm not sure Hillary would have proceeded forward either, as she most likely would have encountered another four years of obstacles. Everything becomes clearer in hindsight. I wouldn't have had this surgery had I known I would be in more pain afterwards and maybe the Democratic party would have backed Bernie Sanders had they known Hillary Clinton would not be elected. Would we be moving forward or backward if Bernie were elected?

I look ahead with a sense of curiosity as to how everything is going to play out. I will shed as much healing light on myself and do my part to add light to the darkness in the world. As I sit by the beach watching the waves and tides come in and go out, I am reminded that it is the way of life. I intend to ride life's wave as gracefully as possible. 

From Leonard Cohen, who passed away yesterday. 

"Anthem"

The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don't dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be.
Ah the wars they will
be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

We asked for signs
the signs were sent:
the birth betrayed
the marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
of every government --
signs for all to see.

I can't run no more
with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud.
But they've summoned, they've summoned up
a thundercloud
and they're going to hear from me.

Ring the bells that still can ring ...

You can add up the parts
but you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.  

Thoughts around Hurricane Matthew… 10-8-16

I’ve been living in the eastern part of Central Florida for two years now and this was my first experience with a Hurricane. Below is a reflection of myself before, during and after Hurricane Matthew.

I “work” in a couple of different ways. Because I’m practical and have common sense, I prepare. So I took the advice of friends and officials, filled up my car with gas, purchased water, food, batteries and flashlights. I filled up sandbags, water jugs, and bathtub. All the outdoor furniture was put in the garage.

I prepared inside my home as well, just in case a window broke out, or worse yet, if I lost the roof or walls. I put books and photographs in plastic bags, stored knickknacks and collectibles, covered or removed furniture near windows, placed dining chairs against walls and unplugged everything I wasn’t using. Then I located the shut off valves for gas & water.

I also made myself an inviting place to ride out the storm...in the closet of my bedroom. I removed anything that felt uncomfortable in there (i.e., bins on the top shelves), and added a large comfy chair and end table. I had food, an ‘essentials’ bag, water, books, a bike helmet, writing journal and art supplies.

As I was doing all this, I was watching, observing, and taking mental notes. I had been listening to the weather reports for days. I had the up-to-the-moment weather map on my phone. I was tracking the storm. I was also taking note of who was leaving the area and who was staying. I listened to people who have been through this before. And I watched myself.

I noticed that when I was out gathering my supplies, I became hyper. I was antsy, in a hurry, driving a bit erratic and unable to settle into my body. I was reminded of the squirrels and how I used to watch them in late fall. If they were running around frantic gathering and storing food, I knew we were in for a bad winter. Well, we were all acting like squirrels. There was definitely an excitement in the air, a bit of frantic energy. I could feel it.

The only place my mind and body remained calm was in my home. Both Tuesday and Wednesday, my closest friend and I were getting the supplies we needed. We hung out between the two homes. But, by Wednesday, I couldn’t settle down when I was at his house. I HAD to leave and as soon as I walked in my door, I was calm. I felt protected.

At one point during all this I had a personal epiphany. I realized that I needed to be in this storm alone. It was something I had to do. A vision quest is what comes to mind right now. I was very aware of how alone I am... that we all are. It’s not about loneliness; it’s really quite simple. We may walk a path with another, but in the end we are alone in flesh, and it is in that alone-ness that we truly meet ourselves and can no longer hide. Ironically enough, it is also where we can find more than our alone-ness. That is where I needed to be and was willing to experience.

I also gain strength and vitality from nature. Wind, in particular, makes me feel alive. I love standing in a strong wind with my arms out, head back, feeling it whip around me. There’s a raw wildness in it, and me, at that time. So, yes, I was a little excited. But I also understand there is danger in hurricane force winds. This is where I relied on my intuition and those living here to guide me.

My friends and family were, of course, concerned. They were listening to the news as well, and mostly hearing about the devastation a Category 4 storm can cause and how towns were being evacuated. I was in the Hurricane Warning zone, living only 30 miles off shore. One person commented on FB, “I think you should leave, you’ll be fearing for your life. Why put yourself through that?” Another friend kept encouraging me to “get out.”

However, every time I checked in with myself... the place where I felt peace was in my house. If I considered going to a shelter, I became agitated, nervous. I couldn’t imagine being in a room with so many people and animals... the crying babies, bored children and scared adults. So many fearful of what they would be going home to.

I considered driving out of the area but that didn’t feel right either. Being on the road felt more dangerous than staying put.

When I thought of being at home, I was calm. I could also feel that a protective dome was placed over my home and over my neighborhood. It was very real. The fear was not. So after all the prep was done, I got to work, energetically. Even though this was always going on at some level, I brought it into my consciousness and let myself do what I do, joining the others who were also at work.

I energetically pushed and visually protected and… let it go. Then I went to bed. As I was closing my eyes, a group of Native Americans doing a dance came into my vision. They were chanting.  So, while lying there, I chanted with them, out loud, until I dozed off. I was at peace with whatever I woke up to.

When I woke around 7:00 a.m., I turned on the TV to hear the storm was classified as a Category 3, and probably would stay off land. The bands around the eye were also weakening. Once more, I checked in with myself, and again, felt I should stay put. I showered, made coffee and ate breakfast while I still had power.

Throughout the day, I watched as the most dangerous part of the storm stayed to the east side of the eye, out at sea. It was classified as a Category 3 Hurricane with 110-130 mph winds; 50-75 mph winds in my area, gusting to even stronger. Trees were uprooted, most of my town lost power, but it was not as bad as it could have been. We didn’t have any lightening and no flooding.

My home remained protected by the town homes behind it and the homes on both sides and front. I felt very fortunate throughout the day. I was happy to have stumbled into this home, which I impulsively purchased; happy to be watching my small willow and prayer flags blowing in the wind; happy the drainage was doing what it was intended to.

Throughout the storm I stayed in contact with my neighbor. We had exchanged keys in case we needed to check on each other. I took a few videos throughout the day. Honestly, from my position, it didn’t seem like much of a storm at all. Our neighborhood never lost power.

I did go outside at one point, to feel the wind. I wanted to soak it up, absorb what it was offering. It was strong, powerful. It was getting rid of any loose debris, anything dead or needing to be shaken up. The rain was cleansing. Together they cleared out what had become stagnant. A tree two doors down from me, directly at the end of my alleyway, was completely uprooted and leaning on the house. The storm was definitely a force.

I found that I followed suit inside my home. Since the tops of all my stands and counters were clear, I started a deep cleaning, washed my sheets and purged some clothes. I am only putting back what continues to serve me and is in alignment with who I am at this time. I noticed there are many other people saying they purged and cleaned too.

The sun is shining today. I have large dead limbs to pick up from my scrawny but lovely willow tree and I think I’ll clean the patio now that everything has been removed from it. The day truly feels fresh and new. I am grateful for it and for all the prayers of protection that were offered up.

Has more than a year really gone by?

It's been a long time since I've posted here.  I started out with the best of intentions, trying to crack open creativity by combining artwork and the written word.  Hmmmm.

Hmmmm is one of my favorite non-words.  I use it a lot.  When I don't necessarily have something insightful to say, but I'm thinking about what something may mean... hmmmm is my non-word of choice.

So what do I want to say here?  hmmmmm

I was thinking this morning about change and how much change has taken place over the years including my personality and who I thought/think I am.  Going from being single, to married, raising five children and now being divorced revealed many different aspects of me.  Each year, each child, each obstacle changed me in some way. 

After living in the same location for 27 years, I decided to move.  Not once, but four times in six years, each time trying on new locations, new people.  Seeing which change felt right.  Trying to figure out where I belong, because with some of those earlier life changes, I got lost and I forgot who I was.  The changes in direction were confusing and turned me around to the point I didn't know where I was going.   I lost what made my soul sing, what made me want to get out of bed in the morning.  And those were the changes that I initiated.

The changes that happen outside of me... they can sometimes be tougher.  I find I'm resistant to those changes more-so than the ones I create myself.  They can throw me into a free fall panic.  Even something as simple as a  neighbor (a casual acquaintance) moving away makes me uneasy.  I'm comforted by knowing who lives in that house when I drive by it.

When I find myself in deep resistance, trying to get out of the free fall, I have to talk myself back into embracing the unknown.  I need to trust that, in this case, the universe is putting another person in that house who could be an even better 'fit.'

Yes, trust is what tends to be missing when change occurs.  Trust is what gets blocked.  Trust is what I have to remember when the fear of change creeps up and and I allow it to feed on me, creating resistance in my body and mind.  Trust that all is unfolding in divine order.

At this moment in time I am thankfully aware of where I am and the people in my life.