Almost 3 months post op - still riding the waves

It will be three months post-op in four days and I'm still riding the waves.

My quality of life went from a 7 to a 2 pre to post op. There is no getting away from me at this point. I continue to struggle with pain and look for alternative solutions. I have continued to deny the inevitable, which is a hip replacement.

I'm concerned my body will know (and not like) a foreign part in it. I'm very much aware of the crowns in my mouth (old and newer) and have pain in the small incision sites made from the arthroscopy.

I'm making peace with my body over the intrusion I allowed with my haste going into that labral tear surgery. It's been angry but is starting to settle down.  It likes that I've been going to an exceptional chiropractor who truly relates to the mind-body-soul. He's getting my body and mind aligned for whatever choice I make in the near future so that healing will be at it's optimal. Prior to this past surgery, I was mostly in my mind, wanting to get it done before the end of the year due to insurance reasons.

I still have to keep insurance in the equation and now think I should get the hip replaced fairly soon (I AM bone on bone) because if Trump's team changes things, I don't want to have a pre-existing condition that won't be covered. Money is definitely a factor. So, yes... I'm doing everything I can to get all the parts of me in agreement. I'm almost there. Almost.

As of 2 weeks ago, the latest MRI shows edema in the hip and bone marrow of the femur. Still highly inflamed and painful. My chiropractor suggested a couple of things. One is to drink something called Asea which I received yesterday and will start today. It helps promote healthy cells. (I'm in).  The other thing he's going to be doing is Laser Therapy which should calm down the inflammation.  He just got the highest-end laser and my treatment with that will start shortly. I was actually looking for someone who had a laser - not surprised it turned out to be him.

When I was in Chicago for Christmas & New Years I received a 2nd opinion from an Orthopedic Surgeon friend/doctor who I've seen in the past. She was concerned about the edema and suggested in a report to my Florida doctor that I have a needle biopsy to rule out infection prior to any hip surgery. So now I have to have that, which I'm not on board with yet. My doctor won't proceed without it since it's been brought up in writing that it should be done. At this point, I don't think I have an infection.

So that's the latest tangible report. I know this is only a hip replacement - not life threatening but it's still a part of my story.

It's still been a ride.

Needing a wheelchair in the airports was humbling. I felt vulnerable and exposed. Sitting in the wheelchair in the middle of the gate area waiting for someone to push me made me feel like all eyes were on me. People would walk by and look at me. I wanted to crawl into a hole. I've always been so good at being invisible or blending in. I have always been independent. Now I needed help and special treatment. I found most people friendly and wanting to help. It was my own internal discomfort that was the problem.

So today... I finish putting away my Christmas decorations. Everything is taking so much longer to do.  Right foot, left foot. Keep on keepin' on.

Aha

I've had the book "Gifts of Imperfection" for a few weeks now and am finally sitting down to read it. I was only 25 pages in when I got a big AHA. And, of course, it was something so seemingly simple it almost seemed strange to see it in print.

It's about fitting in v. belonging. And that says it all! For most of my life I've been able to fit in...somehow. But rarely have I felt I belong.

As Brene' Brown puts it: "Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are." That's HUGE in a very obvious, in your face, way. For me, fitting in is exhausting, but feeling like I belong is energizing. It's being connected with another or group of others.

Brene' Brown defines connection as "the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."

It's not that I didn't know all of this, but for some reason, today as I sit here... it struck me on a different level. I can see how the need to be really seen - not just at a personality level - has kept me at a distance from most people. Instead of showing up as I am, I shy away to fit in. I'm sure it's due to years of being told I'm weird or that I shouldn't feel how I feel (too sensitive or insensitive) or shouldn't say what I know to be true. I've allowed it to damage my sense of self.

But it's not all negative. I have made wonderful true connections throughout my lifetime and for those people, I am forever grateful! The people are there. Now I need to show up in my life. I need to live honestly and I need to show up fully loving the person I am. So instead of waking up to the thought "who would ever love me?" I need to move into gratitude and acceptance of the person I am and the gifts I have to offer.

As a good friend says, 'right foot, left foot.'