Thoughts around my trip to Chicago & Saratoga Springs

After close to five months away, I'm finally back to my home in Florida. A lot has happened since I left at the end of April. I became a grandmother for the first time, watching with awe and amazement as my daughter transitioned into her new role as Mom. As much as I love that little baby and found it hard to take my eyes off her, seeing my daughter as a mother was truly my greatest joy. I can't even write this without tearing up. It touched my heart in a way I was not prepared for.

As families do, my family continues to change and grow. My oldest son will be getting married in September; my middle daughter finished her graduate degree and moved to Madison, WI, with her boyfriend; my youngest son will graduate from college this year and my fourth-born... well, she's doing great, working and trying to figure out what's next. They are all incredible young people and I loved my time with them.

After the days turned into months, I reluctantly left the Chicago area.  It was the end of August and as we said our good byes, I was pretty sure I'd be moving back there sometime in the near future.

I was initially planning to travel back to Florida from Chicago but the sudden passing of a very healthy friend, Linda (in Florida), sent me into a tail spin. I felt that instead of driving to Florida, I needed to drive to Saratoga Springs, NY, to spend time with my mother, sister, brother, and close friends. It was one of those times when I was hit over the head (or in the heart) and reminded how quickly life can change. While in Saratoga, I spent time with most of the people I was hoping to see.

I was also able to spend time in nature, sitting by a lake, talking for hours with my cousin. I had a 'driving Miss Daisy" day with one of my closest friends, Susan, driving into the Adirondacks and stopping at beautiful places along the way. On my final weekend there, I drove to my sisters in the Catskill Mountains. The peace and quiet of where she lives is something I rarely experience but definitely crave. It was hard to leave the mountain and her. With her there's a comfort level and honesty only felt with one other person... my sister from another mother.  I could easily live in that area.

While in Saratoga my godson's son, "Lil Jeff," lost his 2 1/2 year battle with colon cancer. He was only 15. It happened on the weekend that Hurricane Irma hit Florida. It was an emotionally intense weekend as I had a friend riding out the storm in Naples, where the hurricane was going to hit land first. I was concerned for her, as well as my friends in other parts of Florida. I would have been back in Florida if I hadn't followed my inklings and driven to NY.

My mom has memory issues and is becoming more confused lately. It's been happening for years but I don't see it much since I don't live close by. My sister and her husband have taken on the responsibility of my mother, caring for her home and seeing to her needs. But I was there when Lil Jeff passed, and felt I was put exactly where I was needed.  My mom was having a hard time remembering and continued to relive that first time she heard the news over and over again. I could tell by looking at her that it was taking its toll. Her eyes were sunken and she looked exhausted, but trying to remember something so sad was exhausting. My heart hurt for her, and it hurt for my godson, his family and my cousin, Lil Jeff's grandfather.

When my friend, Linda, passed, I realized that much of what I was looking forward to doing when I returned to Florida included her. I was thinking about classes I'd take, bike rides, pickleball, good conversations... simply, a nice friendship. It was now gone. By going to New York I was able to avoid the now black hole that I knew used to be her bright place. Coincidentally, Linda's Celebration of Life was taking place in Buffalo, NY, the same weekend as the Hurricane and Lil Jeff's passing.

It's now 7,650 miles later and I'm back in Florida. Hurricane Irma passed through the state. Some damage is evident in my area but nothing happened to my home. We were fortunate here.

I look back over these past five months and I see how guided and cared for I was. I was given exactly what I needed at every turn or was in a place to help and support others as it was needed.

When I was stubbornly trying to avoid a hip replacement (even though I could barely walk) an incorrect diagnosis on an MRI kicked me in the butt and sent me to a surgeon. The date of the surgery and all the pre-op appointments fell into place, as I was booked into appointments available only by recent cancellations. The surgeon was one of the best in the area and my surgery was very successful. My kids and friends helped out in many different ways.

During that time, I was given a house to live in for three months... fully furnished with a bi-weekly cleaning service and yard care. This allowed me to recover from the hip surgery, spend ample time with all my kiddos and my new grandchild, and to heal on many other levels. Yes, there really are earth angels.

I was guided to NY, to be with my Mom and friends. I checked in with myself over and over to see what felt right and when I needed to move on. At one point, I wondered if I was ever going to get back to Florida.  But, the right time did arrive and now I'm sitting on my sofa in my own home... thinking, remembering, releasing.

I've realized that I needed these past 3 years in Florida to heal. Having spent four months back in the Chicago area, in the town I lived for 27 years, I can see how far I've come. It may sound selfish, but I needed time to find myself, apart from my family. To figure out who I am and what I enjoy; to regain confidence that was lost having been an at-home mother in a 25-year marriage.


I believe I'm able to go back there now and rejoin the family system in its new form. I probably won't be as physically close to my kids as I'd like, but I'll be an easy drive away and, hopefully, living in an area that is peaceful yet vibrant.  Plus, I'll be a little closer to my Mom and sister.  It's important now to get closer to my family. Ebb and flow is what comes to mind.

I feel very grateful and have faith that just as I was cared for and guided over the last five months, the next part of my journey will also be the same. It will unfold as it needs to. I will find myself where I belong, doing what I need to do... for myself and others.

9-25-17

How much stuff can I live without? Or how little can I live with?

I was given a fully furnished home for my stay in the Chicago area after Amy had the baby and I had hip replacement surgery.  When I left in April to drive to Chicago,  I didn't know how long I'd stay. I thought maybe I'd go to New York and spend time with my mom and then head back to Florida.  I had to pack the car for Amy's baby shower and items for my time away. I packed some really odd things.

I brought my bathroom scale with me. I packed oracle cards, runes, ear plugs, exercise rollers, Melt Method balls, essential oils and a number of books and cookbooks.  I have basic art supplies - my art journal, some pencils and a few paints.  I have a suitcase worth of clothes and another of shoes. While here I purchased a portable stationary bike for exercise,  a coffee maker and a few more art supplies.

Basically all I have with me of personal value fits in the back of my Subaru and that realization both surprised and intrigues me.

How much can I actually live without?

With each move I've made, I was able to let go of more attachments, but I still have a two bedroom, two bath house with every closet filled to capacity. I also have a two car garage that has room for my car, but the rest of it is full.  I have two bicycles, a unicycle, lawn equipment (even though I have a lawn service), a saw, etc. I have an entire double closet full of art supplies or old art renderings/photography.

The only thing I'm missing since I've been here is my bed, food processor (which I almost brought with me), bicycle, and my art supplies, as well as the space to spread out and create. 

How little can I live with? It might be time to purge some more.

The Universe provides and continues to amaze me

As I sat in that 'in between' place of not knowing where I would stay after Amy has her baby AND waiting for the surgery and post op, it all fell into place. It seemed as soon as I let it go and started to relax about not knowing, it all dropped in.

A client of Amy offered her home for me to stay in after the baby was born. We asked about my renting her home for an additional couple of months but she offered it, free of charge, for as long as I needed. So now I sit in a charming home only ten minutes from my children. Could I have planned that? Absolutely not. I was envisioning sleeping in friends guest rooms or on their sofas, maybe traveling to NY or Wisconsin, or possibly finding a cheap room somewhere. None of that sat well with me, but I was willing to do whatever I had to. And then I'm offered a home for three months.

It became an interesting turn of events as I prepared for surgery. My surgeon friend was insistent on my going to one particular orthopedic surgeon, so I agreed. Because I was in such severe pain, her office was able to get me an appointment earlier than originally scheduled. The ortho surgeon looked at my MRI and new x-rays and said I didn't have AVN, as previously diagnosed. He then agreed to do the surgery and had a cancellation in two weeks at the hospital I wanted to be at. However, it would ONLY work out if I could get my Primary, Rheumatologist and Dentist to sign off, and get the necessary blood work done within the week.

 I couldn't believe how it all fell into place. These doctors are usually booked out 3 months. I haven't seen any of them in almost 3 years, yet when I called, I was able to get in within that week.  Because of that, I was able to have the surgery before my initial consult was originally scheduled. The healing was incredible. I went from a pain level of 8-11 pre op to a pain level of 1-3 immediately after surgery. I was walking up stairs on the second day and drove to Wisconsin on day 10. I never used a walker and only used a cane to walk any distance within the first ten days.  I quickly weaned off pain meds and at this point am only taking an anti inflammatory. By the end of the first week, I barely had a limp.  I am so very grateful for everyone that came together to make my surgery, healing and recovery a success. What an incredible support group I have! I feel I have my life back!!!

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A prior writing... 

It's been an interesting time, these past few months.  A couple of close friends are in the process of moving this week. Big changes for them both. One will settle in for the next few years, the other is moving to a temporary apartment until she makes a huge move to the west coast next year. Both are purging and ready to start new... fresh. Another friend in Wisconsin is unpacking her new place and allowing her life to come together in a new way.  Changes, fear, joy, relief... that's what's in the air. A total reboot!

I'm caught in that in between once again.

I truly love my little house, neighborhood and historic downtown area in my Florida location. I never thought I'd ever live in Florida, yet there I am and loving it. BUT... it is far away from my family. Now I have a new little grand daughter who I miss when I'm away from her for a couple of days.
And not only the baby, but I LOVE watching Amy grow into her role as a mother. She is amazing in every way and it brings me such joy to spend time with them.

Although I have spent the most time with Amy, because of the baby and because she's home, I truly appreciate the time I've had with ALL my kids. I see the girls more than the boys, but it's still been great! I have a good bunch of kiddos. And when they're all together, it's a blast.

So, I find myself dreaming of an area closer to them that just maybe I'd be happy to live. Since Patti is moving to Madison, WI, it only makes sense to look somewhere between here and there. I have always enjoyed Wisconsin or rural Illinois. The lakes, countryside and small towns all feed my soul. BUT do I want to start over AGAIN? Do I want to spend winters dealing with snow and bad roads? Do I want to give up the long wonderful weather that Florida winters provide? And... will I still be too far away from them to enjoy impromptu family time and all it offers? Or will the distance be ok?  Will it be close enough, yet far enough, to not feel like I'm excluded from something, yet be living in an area I enjoy?

Ideally, a way to be in both places sounds best to me.  How do I keep my home in Florida and still be here for the summer and holidays? Or do I get a home in the Midwest and spend the winter in Florida? Financially, neither are reasonable thoughts, which makes me wonder what is going to open up?  I never thought I'd be offered a home for three months, free of charge, with cleaning and lawn service included. Seriously... who gets that? Someone had my back, that's for sure.

The in between

5/27/17 - Memorial Day Weekend

I'm sitting at Amy's. I've been here since May 2nd when I came in to throw her a baby shower. Her body is working it's magic and she's definitely getting ready... I'm thinking it will be this weekend.

I look at her and smile. That big round baby belly stretched out in front of her, knowing her life will forever be changed. It's exciting... I'm excited. I'm going to be a grandma (or Grand Ma Ma... as I tease her.)

I wish I were in better shape physically as she enters this challenging time, but I'm not. Seven months post op and I'm no better than I was. Actually, my bones are worse. I've had another MRI, and that one shows I have Avascular Necrosis. The head of the femur has not been getting blood, so it has started to collapse. A hip surgery is inevitable. I also have extensive marrow edema (severe synovitis) and an insufficiency fracture of the superior acetabulum.  An insufficiency fracture means a fracture caused by normal stress exerted on a weakened bone.

I am concerned about the underlying issues. How did I go from bone marrow edema to a collapsed femoral head in five months time? It makes me wonder if something is happening to other bones in my body? Do I need to have an MRI on those too?

First things first... My orthopedic surgeon friend recommended/insisted on my seeing Dr. Michael Stover (Northwestern Hospital). I can't get in to see him until June 30th... a month away. So it looks like I'll be here for a while.

I keep telling myself to relax into the idea. I'll have more time to spend with my little grandbaby. I don't know what Amy's needs will be and maybe she'll appreciate having me around, if for nothing other than moral support. I know I missed my mother as I started my family.

So I sit in between. In between not being a grandmother and being a grandmother. I sit in between the pain - not being able to walk and knowing that the eventual surgery will allow movement again.  I'm also in between spaces.  It's only a matter of days before I have to leave Amy's.

I do not want to burden her and Johnny by having me here, so I'm hoping the right space to be in opens up. I'm going to need to find a place for two weeks after the baby comes so they can have their new parent time... and then, again, after surgery.  I'm surprised at how well I'm doing not knowing where my head will be resting. I love my private space, but I'm not freaking out about not having it. As I wrote this the thought of going to NY came back to me.

It might work out that I go to NY after the baby comes and then get back here for my doctors appointment at the end of June. That will give her a month with her little one.

Maybe.  I'm counting on it all unfolding in a way that works for us all.

In the meantime... I'M GOING TO BE A GRAND MA MA!!!!  Soooo very exciting.

Healing continues - February, 2017

Written in February, 2017

This healing journey I've embarked on continues to take me deeper and deeper into myself. I'm not sure how I got an email from Jennifer McLean's healing course, but I'm glad I did. I'm also glad I clicked on the link and started working in that energy. Such an incredible way to enlighten and shift all that is so stuck.

It's all internal. I've also started Art Journaling which is not entirely new to me, yet it is fresh and gives me a way to express the way I work - energy, words & art. I've also committed to a craving and observation exercise that I used to do. It's through Unity of Care and Tantra Maat.

Physically, I've hit it hard too. Chiropractic sessions with Dr. Shallow which include manual manipulation, high end laser and the PULSE mat have been incredibly helpful. They keep me on track and encourage me to continue with a healthy diet. I've added a Collagen Protein Shake to my morning, replacing eggs and toast.

I'm still a bit reclusive. In this time of perfect weather here in Florida, I've become a hermit. I have gone to the water a couple of times, but mostly I'm staying in. I can't walk far, so I'm not taking walks. I'm playing within my house, within my mind and emotions. My spiritual practice has become part of my morning routine and takes 1-2 hours to get through. I can do this because I have nothing but time right now. It's all ok.

I am staying away from people. There is so much negative energy and fear now that Donald Trump and his people are running the country. My stomach has been in a knot for over a week. My head is fuzzy and I can tell I just want to leave my body. But I'm staying in it the best I can - by mostly being alone or with people I consider safe.

All that is 'off' inside of me is coming to the surface. It's being seen, released ... healed... loved. It will be ok. I will be ok.

Almost 3 months post op - still riding the waves

It will be three months post-op in four days and I'm still riding the waves.

My quality of life went from a 7 to a 2 pre to post op. There is no getting away from me at this point. I continue to struggle with pain and look for alternative solutions. I have continued to deny the inevitable, which is a hip replacement.

I'm concerned my body will know (and not like) a foreign part in it. I'm very much aware of the crowns in my mouth (old and newer) and have pain in the small incision sites made from the arthroscopy.

I'm making peace with my body over the intrusion I allowed with my haste going into that labral tear surgery. It's been angry but is starting to settle down.  It likes that I've been going to an exceptional chiropractor who truly relates to the mind-body-soul. He's getting my body and mind aligned for whatever choice I make in the near future so that healing will be at it's optimal. Prior to this past surgery, I was mostly in my mind, wanting to get it done before the end of the year due to insurance reasons.

I still have to keep insurance in the equation and now think I should get the hip replaced fairly soon (I AM bone on bone) because if Trump's team changes things, I don't want to have a pre-existing condition that won't be covered. Money is definitely a factor. So, yes... I'm doing everything I can to get all the parts of me in agreement. I'm almost there. Almost.

As of 2 weeks ago, the latest MRI shows edema in the hip and bone marrow of the femur. Still highly inflamed and painful. My chiropractor suggested a couple of things. One is to drink something called Asea which I received yesterday and will start today. It helps promote healthy cells. (I'm in).  The other thing he's going to be doing is Laser Therapy which should calm down the inflammation.  He just got the highest-end laser and my treatment with that will start shortly. I was actually looking for someone who had a laser - not surprised it turned out to be him.

When I was in Chicago for Christmas & New Years I received a 2nd opinion from an Orthopedic Surgeon friend/doctor who I've seen in the past. She was concerned about the edema and suggested in a report to my Florida doctor that I have a needle biopsy to rule out infection prior to any hip surgery. So now I have to have that, which I'm not on board with yet. My doctor won't proceed without it since it's been brought up in writing that it should be done. At this point, I don't think I have an infection.

So that's the latest tangible report. I know this is only a hip replacement - not life threatening but it's still a part of my story.

It's still been a ride.

Needing a wheelchair in the airports was humbling. I felt vulnerable and exposed. Sitting in the wheelchair in the middle of the gate area waiting for someone to push me made me feel like all eyes were on me. People would walk by and look at me. I wanted to crawl into a hole. I've always been so good at being invisible or blending in. I have always been independent. Now I needed help and special treatment. I found most people friendly and wanting to help. It was my own internal discomfort that was the problem.

So today... I finish putting away my Christmas decorations. Everything is taking so much longer to do.  Right foot, left foot. Keep on keepin' on.

Aha

I've had the book "Gifts of Imperfection" for a few weeks now and am finally sitting down to read it. I was only 25 pages in when I got a big AHA. And, of course, it was something so seemingly simple it almost seemed strange to see it in print.

It's about fitting in v. belonging. And that says it all! For most of my life I've been able to fit in...somehow. But rarely have I felt I belong.

As Brene' Brown puts it: "Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are." That's HUGE in a very obvious, in your face, way. For me, fitting in is exhausting, but feeling like I belong is energizing. It's being connected with another or group of others.

Brene' Brown defines connection as "the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."

It's not that I didn't know all of this, but for some reason, today as I sit here... it struck me on a different level. I can see how the need to be really seen - not just at a personality level - has kept me at a distance from most people. Instead of showing up as I am, I shy away to fit in. I'm sure it's due to years of being told I'm weird or that I shouldn't feel how I feel (too sensitive or insensitive) or shouldn't say what I know to be true. I've allowed it to damage my sense of self.

But it's not all negative. I have made wonderful true connections throughout my lifetime and for those people, I am forever grateful! The people are there. Now I need to show up in my life. I need to live honestly and I need to show up fully loving the person I am. So instead of waking up to the thought "who would ever love me?" I need to move into gratitude and acceptance of the person I am and the gifts I have to offer.

As a good friend says, 'right foot, left foot.'