After close to five months away, I'm finally back to my home in Florida. A lot has happened since I left at the end of April. I became a grandmother for the first time, watching with awe and amazement as my daughter transitioned into her new role as Mom. As much as I love that little baby and found it hard to take my eyes off her, seeing my daughter as a mother was truly my greatest joy. I can't even write this without tearing up. It touched my heart in a way I was not prepared for.As families do, my family continues to change and grow. My oldest son will be getting married in September; my middle daughter finished her graduate degree and moved to Madison, WI, with her boyfriend; my youngest son will graduate from college this year and my fourth-born... well, she's doing great, working and trying to figure out what's next. They are all incredible young people and I loved my time with them.
After the days turned into months, I reluctantly left the Chicago area. It was the end of August and as we said our good byes, I was pretty sure I'd be moving back there sometime in the near future.
I was initially planning to travel back to Florida from Chicago but the sudden passing of a very healthy friend, Linda (in Florida), sent me into a tail spin. I felt that instead of driving to Florida, I needed to drive to Saratoga Springs, NY, to spend time with my mother, sister, brother, and close friends. It was one of those times when I was hit over the head (or in the heart) and reminded how quickly life can change. While in Saratoga, I spent time with most of the people I was hoping to see.
I was also able to spend time in nature, sitting by a lake, talking for hours with my cousin. I had a 'driving Miss Daisy" day with one of my closest friends, Susan, driving into the Adirondacks and stopping at beautiful places along the way. On my final weekend there, I drove to my sisters in the Catskill Mountains. The peace and quiet of where she lives is something I rarely experience but definitely crave. It was hard to leave the mountain and her. With her there's a comfort level and honesty only felt with one other person... my sister from another mother. I could easily live in that area.
While in Saratoga my godson's son, "Lil Jeff," lost his 2 1/2 year battle with colon cancer. He was only 15. It happened on the weekend that Hurricane Irma hit Florida. It was an emotionally intense weekend as I had a friend riding out the storm in Naples, where the hurricane was going to hit land first. I was concerned for her, as well as my friends in other parts of Florida. I would have been back in Florida if I hadn't followed my inklings and driven to NY.
My mom has memory issues and is becoming more confused lately. It's been happening for years but I don't see it much since I don't live close by. My sister and her husband have taken on the responsibility of my mother, caring for her home and seeing to her needs. But I was there when Lil Jeff passed, and felt I was put exactly where I was needed. My mom was having a hard time remembering and continued to relive that first time she heard the news over and over again. I could tell by looking at her that it was taking its toll. Her eyes were sunken and she looked exhausted, but trying to remember something so sad was exhausting. My heart hurt for her, and it hurt for my godson, his family and my cousin, Lil Jeff's grandfather.
When my friend, Linda, passed, I realized that much of what I was looking forward to doing when I returned to Florida included her. I was thinking about classes I'd take, bike rides, pickleball, good conversations... simply, a nice friendship. It was now gone. By going to New York I was able to avoid the now black hole that I knew used to be her bright place. Coincidentally, Linda's Celebration of Life was taking place in Buffalo, NY, the same weekend as the Hurricane and Lil Jeff's passing.
It's now 7,650 miles later and I'm back in Florida. Hurricane Irma passed through the state. Some damage is evident in my area but nothing happened to my home. We were fortunate here.
I look back over these past five months and I see how guided and cared for I was. I was given exactly what I needed at every turn or was in a place to help and support others as it was needed.
When I was stubbornly trying to avoid a hip replacement (even though I could barely walk) an incorrect diagnosis on an MRI kicked me in the butt and sent me to a surgeon. The date of the surgery and all the pre-op appointments fell into place, as I was booked into appointments available only by recent cancellations. The surgeon was one of the best in the area and my surgery was very successful. My kids and friends helped out in many different ways.
During that time, I was given a house to live in for three months... fully furnished with a bi-weekly cleaning service and yard care. This allowed me to recover from the hip surgery, spend ample time with all my kiddos and my new grandchild, and to heal on many other levels. Yes, there really are earth angels.
I was guided to NY, to be with my Mom and friends. I checked in with myself over and over to see what felt right and when I needed to move on. At one point, I wondered if I was ever going to get back to Florida. But, the right time did arrive and now I'm sitting on my sofa in my own home... thinking, remembering, releasing.
I've realized that I needed these past 3 years in Florida to heal. Having spent four months back in the Chicago area, in the town I lived for 27 years, I can see how far I've come. It may sound selfish, but I needed time to find myself, apart from my family. To figure out who I am and what I enjoy; to regain confidence that was lost having been an at-home mother in a 25-year marriage.
I believe I'm able to go back there now and rejoin the family system in its new form. I probably won't be as physically close to my kids as I'd like, but I'll be an easy drive away and, hopefully, living in an area that is peaceful yet vibrant. Plus, I'll be a little closer to my Mom and sister. It's important now to get closer to my family. Ebb and flow is what comes to mind.
I feel very grateful and have faith that just as I was cared for and guided over the last five months, the next part of my journey will also be the same. It will unfold as it needs to. I will find myself where I belong, doing what I need to do... for myself and others.
9-25-17
