One month post surgery - what have I discovered?

Grounding takes many forms. It's easy for me to live in la la land. It's easy for me to get caught up in my illusions, dreams and fantasies. I like Hallmark movies - they typically end in a positive, happy, romantic way which leaves me feeling happy and hopeful. But is it real? I honestly don't know.

Since my surgery I've been living in pain that I've never felt before. Mind you, pain is no stranger to me. I have a host of autoimmune conditions and most of them involve some form of pain or discomfort. I've been hospitalized in the past for muscle spasms that included four days in the hospital on near toxic doses of pain meds.

What was interesting, prior to those spasms 20 years ago, was the conversation I had with my husband.  With five kids under the age of 8, I was overwhelmed with motherhood and while sitting on the porch with him, I said "all I want is for someone to bring me food. I'll eat whatever is given to me." As I was laying on the hospital bed two days after that conversation, a tray of food was being placed in front of me, and the words I spoke to my husband came back loud and clear, along with, "you better be careful what you ask for."

My body has always been used as a catalyst for communicating with me. My intent over the last years has been to speak my truth without my body having to take me down. I realize I have not succeeded. I am still not listening to that little voice... my inner self, thus bringing me to my current situation.

 Back in May of this year, the man I had been seeing and I, decided to go our separate ways. Although good friends, we weren't able to meet each others needs or expectations in the 'coupling' category.  I saw it coming for months, but I am alone here and he has been my staple, therefore, I wasn't eager to force it. Situations in April, however, brought everything into the light and in May we agreed to stop seeing each other.

I sat with my feelings for a few days, experiencing a sense of loss, fear of being alone, and then a sense of excitement. Because for the first time, in a very long time, I saw space. I was opened up into expansion and possibilities. It felt amazing and scary at the same time.

I realized there were things that were important to me that I wasn't doing because I was allowing the needs and wants of others to come before me. This is not all bad, however, my main goal here in Florida is to get myself healthy and feed my soul. For me this is done with reflection, meditation, physical activities, wandering, creative activities and writing. Mostly, what I was needing to do was write and create, which I wasn't doing.

The time we spent apart didn't last long. We quickly got back into the similar routine we had before and although I did start writing, it wasn't a priority and, once again, I lost sight of my goals. So here I am, six months later, grounded from a surgery that didn't do what I had hoped it would. As I'm talking to a friend last week, we figured out that what has manifested into all this pain with my hip and leg is stuck energy. I believe it is energy stuck from not expanding and creating.

The pain has once again forced me to sit, eat healthier and make better decisions with what is directly in front of me. I've painted a little and written a lot. I'm trying to release guilt and shame attached to a divorce that broke up a 25 year marriage. I'm trying to forgive my ex-husband for not being able to love me or see me in the way I needed to be loved and seen. I'm trying to forgive and accept myself.

Right now, being grounded, I'm mostly staying in my little home, enjoying the personal space I've created instead of feeling obligated to be elsewhere. I'm forced to ask for help - something I have never been good at. I'm faced with disappointment of not being able to do the physical things I so love to do, such as bike riding, walking and pickleball. I'm missing my favorite downtown art show because I'm not able to walk it. I'm unable to drive far so haven't been able to enjoy time at the ocean.

What I've concluded is that I need to only concentrate on what I can do at this time. Forgive the past, not dwell in disappointments - past or present, accept what is and make the most of it. Honor my time, by setting up boundaries if necessary. Listen to my inner voice and what I know to be true yet be open to the unknown - that void where all possibilities exist. My intent is that in the future I can do this without forcing my body to be the grounding tool.

As I sit back for a moment and look out the patio doors at my small scruffy willow tree, I can see a beautiful monarch butterfly flitting around the branches. The branches sway in the wind and he plays between them. He seems to be enjoying the beauty of that scruffy tree as much as I do. I think it's a good sign.